February 5, 2001
In this issue, I've included two pieces that invite you to pay attention to yourself. So often, we are the person behind the camera at life's great events, observing, but not in the action. At times, life can feel so chaotic and out of control that we feel again like we can only take a picture.

These articles, at their core, invite you to take control of your history and your future. I hope you enjoy them, and can see them as useful. I'd love to hear your feedback--let me know what your priorities are, and how you honor their importance.

Thanks for reading,

Betsy Boyd
Editor, HerReality

I really liked the idea of keeping visual track of the days as they pass. The journal itself is an idea that can be adjusted to fit your inclinations and your finances. Maybe one picture per week, taken at the same time. Or one per month. Or be flexible with it--journaling in all its forms is a habit, a ritual, but it shouldn't be something you feel you MUST do lest you break some kind of rule.

When my grandmother died a few years ago, my uncle did a kind and loving thing for the family: he and his wife gathered photos of her, and put them on display at her memorial service. He made copies of them and put them into albums for each family member to keep.

The pictures were stunning. I was most moved by the pictures I hadn't seen before. Some had family members in them, but mostly, they were just pictures of her.

As I strolled through the gallery of my grandmother's life, I was touched for the first time with the sense that hers was the life of an individual, not just someone I loved, who gave birth to my father. She had friends. She giggled. She danced. She was proud of her family. All of this came clear in her life in pictures.

I decided to collect more pictures of me. It's not narcissism--it's wanting to hold on to images of who I was, and am, and will be. One of the best gifts I have ever gotten was a photo album of me and my life as my friend had seen it through my college years. Some of my most joyful moments are caught on film, somewhere. I want to hold on to them.

To create your own album of you, go through the pictures you have first, then get an idea of what gaps exist. Next, ask family and friends for help when you come across a date or period of time that you don't have records for. Don't feel you have to arrange them in time order-maybe themes are a more logical way for you to arrange your life: you with friends, you with boyfriends, you dressed up, etc.

Make your own rules. Any way you do it, it's a good excuse to go through your pictures and pick out the good ones. Make a cup of tea and settle in for a night of research into yourself.

Really, what are they? It's easy to say that no one wishes they had spent more time at work on their death bed, but how do you live that? And what if you are terrified by the idea of your death bed being a cot in a shelter if you don't work your hardest? Feeling out of control in your life can have profound effects on your physical and emotional well-being. How can you sort out your fears and turn them into goals, and more important, how do you decide what is most important to you? Here's a start.

Write down every role you play and the needs they fill. You may be a sister, a daughter, an employee, a friend, a believer, etc. Which of these gives you the most pleasure? Which of these gets the most of your time? Your energy? Which of these do you have most control of? If any of those roles have negative connotations for you, which can you fix?

Try to arrange these roles in order of importance as they are right now (honestly), and then come back later and make another list of how you would like them to be. Set some goals for change, and revisit them on a regular basis as a checkup to see if you are doing what you need.

Priorities shift, of course. Some of us go through phases where school is the most important thing for us, or friends. Later, our families are often most important to us, or a spouse or significant other. These relationships may pull on us uncomfortably when we want them to shift. For example, friends can be reluctant to "let us go" when we find that a romantic relationship must take priority. Think as objectively as you can about what is at stake for both sides in such debates, and think, too, about how you can make it easier.

If your friend is having trouble accepting a new boyfriend, perhaps it is because she misses how close the two of you were when you were single. Logistics prevent you from giving as much time as you did before, but her concerns are valid. Getting a sense of where that relationship stands on your priorities list can help you address it with her in a rational way.

Getting a handle on your priorities can have a similar calming, organizing effect on every area of your life. Work stress seems a lot less important when you realize that work isn't your first priority. Priorities grow and change with you, as do roles. Gaining command of what is important to you, even as it changes, can make handling that growth much easier.